Memories and Such

Sitting her at 3, no nearly 4 am, unable to sleep I am overtaken by memories and such. I've tried to sleep but cannot. I've tried to meditate but find no relief there either.

I am faced with a choice that is not mine to amke, but neither it is anyone else's. I have finally found peace in my life. A peace of contented fulfilment within myself. For the first time I am not seeking the approval of others. I am not basing my happiness on anyone other than myself. I am content that my life is as it should be.

But yet I cannot shake from my mind memories, or better put fleeting thoughts of someone else. I struggle when alone to contain images of someone that makes me feel so special. A simple reminder such as her perfume, or a picture bring a flood of things I want to deal with but cannot. I have promised to her, and more importantly myself, that I will not seek to control things or lead them into a direction. Rather I will allow them to shape themselves.

But these memories of a half shaped past seek to overtake me. And it is not when I am with her that them come, rather when I am alone and not thinking of her. Then my mind wanders over a thought and I feel a flush of emotion build that knows no form of expression. Even my poetry cannot hope to express them. They are not longing or desire. Not carnal or emotional, but primal and unaltered.

When we talk and she speaks of others, I do not feel jelousy. If we talk of us, I do not feel hope. If we touch, it is only what it is, a fleeting touch. When we part I miss her like I miss an old friend and when we meet, only as greeting an absent friend. But alone, my breath catches in my throat and I am stuck for an instant in that pure moment and she is there. It is as if, when I saw that prefect sunset, I cannot imagine not seeing it with her.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense, or if it makes prefect sense. In my heart I know that I love her as I have always done. But until now I sought to be there for her and have her here for me. Now it seems that I only wish to be in that prefect moment and cannot imagine anyone there. But I can smell their hair and prefume. I can hear the wind rush through her hair. I can feel the warm touch of her skin on my own.